


The Hardest Part is Forgetting

by transmaxirl (paigebomb)



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Out of Character, The other M's girls will appear later on, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 05:54:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9979331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paigebomb/pseuds/transmaxirl
Summary: Ayase Eli has struggled with her past for many years. A failed ballerina dancer at a young age, she moved with her family to Japan to escape the feeling of failure that haunted her. But where ever she went, the feeling still lingered, along with the depression and anxiety that built from those experiences. She was just looking for some solace, but perhaps she was not looking in the right places...





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had an interesting idea and I'm burning out slightly on my Life is Strange fic, so I thought another fic may be a good idea. Who knows how that may work.

Eli woke suddenly in a cold sweat, her heart racing. _Another goddamn nightmare sending me into an anxiety fit. Lovely._ She sighed, rolling over on her side and turning her bedside lamp on. _Mother must have turned it off in the middle of the night_. _I keep telling her not to do that._ The girl blinked a few times to adjust to the dim light coming from the lamp. It light up her room just enough to stave off her fear of the dark, but not enough to wake everyone else in the house. She rolled a little more, reaching her hands under bed. _Good, it’s still there, which means Mother didn’t find it._ She pulled a bottle of vodka and a small glass out from underneath her bed, placing them on her bedside table.

Eli sat up, staring at her phone. Nozomi had asked her that if she needed anything during the night, don’t be afraid to send her a message. _Maybe I shouldn’t resort to drinking it away just yet_. The girl grabbed her phone, opening up the conversation with Nozomi. She read through the most recent texts, just talking about stuff for the student council before Eli had gone to bed. She smiled a bit to herself. It wasn’t anything too personal, but the thought of talking with Nozomi was just a relieving one. Scrolling back down to the message box she typed in, “ _Hey, you still up? Having a rough night._ ” and hit send. She placed her phone back down on the bedside table and sighed.

She knew exactly what nightmare it was, even if she didn’t remember it off the top of her head. _A fear of failure. Something that has haunted me my entire life_. Eli sighed again, looking at the bottle sitting on her table. She had made a promise to herself to stop relying on it to get through her anxiety issues. That it wasn’t good for her to rely so heavily on something that could do so much damage to her body without moderation. _Maybe just one drink… Just to fight off the anxiety so I can sleep again._ She twisted the top off the bottle, pouring the liquid into the glass sitting beside it till it was half full. The drink just sat on the table for a good minute as Eli tried to convince herself that this was not a bad idea that it’s just _one drink. But one drink turns to two, and two turns to four. You know how you work. It’s never just one drink._   She rested her head in her hands as she looked down at her lap.

The bottle returned to the little box she kept it in. The girl looked at the glass, now full with a mix of relief and distain. It wasn’t a large glass, but it definitely was meant more for mixed drinks rather than straight vodka. She grabbed the glass, walking over to the window, taking a rather large swig from it before putting it back down. The burning sensation read on her face as she attempted to shake it down, trying to focus on everything but her nightmares. It wasn’t like they changed from night to night. It was always the same thing. Always the fear of failure bubbling back from her past, the memories of failed auditions and the disappointed looks on her grandmother’s face over her performance.

Her anxiety began rising again, making her reach for the glass again and take another large swig. It burned as it went down, causing her face to scrunch up a bit. If her mother came in and saw this display, she’d probably laugh. It wasn’t like Eli’s mother was opposed to her drinking, just keeping the damn light on and drinking at 2 am make you look weak and pitiful in her eyes. Eli shot a desperate glance at a phone, hoping Nozomi was awake and saw her text but no dice. The notification light was off and there had been no sign previous that Nozomi texted back. _Thanks for the offer Nozomi…Way too hold up your end of the bargain._ She took a smaller sip of her drink and placed it back down on the table. _Yeah, a double was not a good idea at all._ Eli already felt sick to her stomach with anxiety and the alcohol was not helping with that, even if it was just one drink.

It wasn’t like she had a problem with drinking. She could hold her liquor fine and despite her mother explicitly saying not to do so, has showed up to school fairly drunk before. It’s not like anyone noticed, since she took care of herself whenever she was drunk. She would reasonably hydrate to avoid hangovers, she would eat just enough to calm her stomach, and she would make sure to bring a toothbrush in case of liquor breath. And it was so rarely too. Just whenever she had serious anxiety flare ups… when Nozomi wasn’t around. Eli sighed and grabbed her phone again, opening up the messages between her and Nozomi again, typing out, “ _I figure you’re not awake, but I could use you right now. You’re the only one I can really talk to._ ” She stared at the message for way too long before deleting all of it, glancing back at her drink.

The glass teased her with a sense of serenity about it. It wasn’t like she was over her anxiety yet. Between thoughts of Nozomi, her mother, and her failed past as a child ballerina, the glass’ efforts had no effects. She just felt more downtrodden with a side dish of being slightly fatigued. She looked at her bookshelf, knowing exactly what she was looking for but sighing as she did. It was a photo album from her ballerina training. She kept it as a memento from living in Russia with her Grandmother. It was a happy time in her life at that point, but looking back, all that she feels is a bitterness. A bitterness for failing the Ayase family name. A bitterness for not becoming a successful ballerina like she had planned. A bitterness about being a failure…

Eli grabbed the drink and downed the remainder of it in one long drink. The burn as it went down her throat was nausea inducing and she tried to quietly but quickly make her way to the bathroom. Sliding open the door and quickly closing it, she turned the light on and stared in the mirror. Some of the vodka had missed her mouth and now stained her shirt. _Great. Now my sleepwear and my bed are gonna smell like it. How the hell am I supposed to talk my way out of that? She doesn’t even know I bought that…_ She quickly pulled her shirt off, trying to blot the stains with a towel. _Well, I guess that’ll have to do_. She gave the shirt a quick sniff and let out a small sigh of relief when there was no trace smell of the liquor on it.

She threw her shirt back on, trying to remember why she came to the bathroom in the first place before another wave of nausea washed over her. She ran to the toilet, throwing it open, just attempting to be as quiet as she could be. After what seemed like an eternity, her stomach finally settled down as she finally got the strength to pull herself away from the toilet, wiping off her face and sighing. She closed the toilet up and flushed it. _I’d say never again, but we both know that would be a lie, wouldn’t we?_ She chuckled to herself, knowing she was just talking to a mirror, but she couldn’t help it. The color was drained from her skin and she looked paler than she usually is.

Eli just sighed and washed her hands and face, looking back up at the mirror after she was done. She still looked as sick as before, but at least she had some color in her face now. She cleaned out the cup, rising it three or four times before filling it with water and drinking it fairly quickly. A headache had been starting to set in and that was the last thing she needed. Just then, a small knock came from outside the door. “I heard the commotion. Will you be alright for school tomorrow?,” her mother’s voice rang from the other side of the door.

“Yes, Mama. I should be fine to go to school. I apologize for waking you,” Eli replied, looking dead ahead at the mirror.

“Very well, good night.”

“Good night, Mama.”

With that, footsteps head back the way they originally came, towards her mother’s bedroom. Eli felt a small relief wash over her as they did. Typically whenever she was sick, a barrage of questions would soon follow, but it seemed like her mother was much too tired for that. She let out a relieved sigh, heading back to her room. She wasn’t prepared to make up excuses for why she was throwing up on such short notice. Once her head hit the bed, she was out like a light. The anxiety attack had drained her of whatever energy she had left. As she feel deeper and deeper into her sleep, a notification went off on her phone. It was Nozomi. “ _Hey, Elicchi, what’s up, are you okay?_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that's an introduction to the story. First chapter and there's already underage drinking. Yay! Jokes aside, I hope you enjoyed it, I have the next few chapters vaguely planned and I will be alternating chapters between this and Running to the Sea (my Life Is Strange fanfic, it's Maximum Victory, it's getting kinda gay finally).
> 
> I have a twitter now if you want to throw one shot ideas at me that you would like done or things that you want to see in the chapters or just want to see updates on how my fics are going (or the massive amounts of fanarts I'll inevitably retweet). You can follow that @transmaxirl. I don't have much up there rn, but ya know, give me time.
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading! Ta-ta for now!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's quick but I'm feeling really into this story idea, so another update! Two in one day!

The morning came far too quickly for Eli, as she turned over on her side, hitting the snooze button on her alarm clock. The girl wasn’t planning to go back to sleep, she just needed the blaring screech of the alarm to stop. Her head pounded from the headache she had as she rolled over, trying to will herself out of bed. She glanced over at her phone and opened it up. _6:51 am_ read the clock on her phone. She didn’t know where the six minutes had passed but she pulled herself out of the bed, heading to the bathroom, glass and phone in hand. A deep feeling of exhaustion resonated throughout her entire body as she yawned quietly, opening the door to the bathroom. Flicking the lightswitch on, she quickly closed the door behind her, placing the cup next to the sink.

She finally glanced down at her phone, squinting a bit before realizing that the notification light was blinking. Opening up her phone, she checked through the notifications absentmindedly, the exhaustion of the mid-night excursion still taking a toll on her. Opening up one that said it was from Nozomi, she read through what was sent to her while she was asleep. “ _Hey, Elicchi, what’s up, are you okay?_ ,” read one text, the one following after it saying, “ _Eli, are you okay? Did you send that text in your sleep?_ ”. The final text read, “ _I guess you sent it in your sleep. Goodnight Elicchi._ ”

Eli furrowed her brow as she placed her phone back down on the counter, opening up the small medicine cabinet that was behind the mirror of the bathroom. Her headache wasn’t dissipating at all. She thumbed through before she found the acetaminophen, stashed in the corner of the cabinet. She filled her glass with water, grabbing two pills from the container before putting it back on the shelf. She swallowed the pills with a long gulp of water, placing the cup back on the counter beside her before closing the medicine cabinet. Noticing her reflection, Eli realized she looked as white as a sheet. In a humorous way, she looked like she could pass for a dead woman. _Ha, I guess my appearance is finally matching how I feel inside_ , she quipped as she put a small amount of toothpaste on her toothbrush.

After a period of ten minutes, the bathroom door opened back up, Eli looking as prepared as she possibly could be, except she was still in her pajamas and her hair was still a mess from sleeping. Unlocking her phone, she sent a message to Nozomi before placing her phone back down to get dressed. It didn’t take her very long and she quickly tried to rush back to the bathroom so she could fix up her hair before getting a small morning jog in. Putting her hair back, she sighed. _It’s just gonna be a small jog. I feel like I’m gonna throw up if I do much more than that._

Grabbing her phone and school bag, with her uniform inside, she made her way out the door and on her usual path to Nozomi’s. They always walked to school together if they could, and Eli didn’t want this morning to be any different, even if she was feeling a little under the weather. _I wonder why I’m feeling so ill, I didn’t even drink that much last night. And I hydrated plenty afterwards_. The girl sighed inwards as she followed on her route, slightly slower than usual, but still making fairly good time. She looked down at the sports watch on her wrist. _7:26 am, gosh, I’m usually there by now… Did I oversleep an alarm?_  Eli started running a bit quicker, trying to make up for lost time, a slight feeling of nausea bubbling up in her stomach. At a street crossing, she pulled out her phone, telling Nozomi that she would be a little late, sending a sad bear sticker saying sorry along with the message. Placing the phone back into her bag, she started pushing herself a little more, trying to make it there as soon as possible as to not keep Nozomi waiting.

As she reached Nozomi’s apartment complex, Eli spotted the purple haired girl making her way down the stairs. They typically met around her room, but it wasn’t exactly like the walk to school could be put off for very long with a short morning practice today. Once her attention was on Eli, she waved, smiling a wide smile that warmed Eli’s heart. Eli started to slow down to a brisk walk, trying to meet up with her before she left the apartment complex, her nausea increasing tenfold. _God dammit I didn’t even drink that much! I’ve held down way more than this before without any hangovers._ She sighed as she slowed to a walk by the side of Nozomi, holding her stomach slightly, her headache dulled but not gone.

“Good morning, Elicchi,” Nozomi smiled happily, gently rubbing her back, causing Eli to stand straight up almost in embarrassment, “Are you feeling okay? You don’t look very well…”

Eli nodded her head, avoiding looking Nozomi in the eyes, “Yes, Nozomi, I’m alright. Just not a very good night sleep wise. I’m sure practice will make me feel a lot better.”

Nozomi took the answer, smiling at her companion and looping her arm in Eli’s, pulling her along a bit quicker, “Come on, Elicchi! At this rate, we’ll be late for that practice you’re so worried about.”

Eli laughed quietly, letting herself be dragged along by the girl. Nozomi was always so enthusiastic about everything and had a personally that matched her enthusiasm. She approached everything with cautious optimism, relying fairly heavily on her spirituality and her deck of tarot cards she brought along with her everywhere. That was the way Nozomi had originally convinced her to join μ’s in the first place. Nozomi trusted her cards and Eli trusted Nozomi. It was a funny pattern but it worked, leading the duo typically in the positive direction.

The girls reached the crosswalk in front of the school to find Honoka waiting there for them, “What took you guys so long?”

Nozomi laughed, causing a warm feeling to bubble up in Eli’s chest, as she pointed to the girl, “This one must not have gotten out of bed in time. She arrived at my apartment a bit late and has been slacking a bit on our way here.”

“I have not!” Eli quickly retorted, before the feeling of nausea returned, both of the girls laughing unknowingly at what was going on.

“Come on! The others are all waiting. Except Maki, Rin, and Hanayo,” Honoka furrowed her eyebrows, “They are currently away because of something going on in the first year class.”

Nozomi and Eli both nodded as they followed closely behind Honoka, trying to keep up with the girl. Nozomi could feel Eli being left behind and signaled to Honoka that they would meet her up on the roof after they are done. “Elicchi, are you sure you’re feeling up for practice?” A sense of worry came across loud and clear in Nozomi’s voice, “You’re looking really pale and have been having trouble keeping up most of the walk here.”

“I’m fine,” Eli replied, feeling incredibly nauseous again as she made her way off the path, leaning up again a tree, “Just had a late night due to anxiety.”

“Bad dreams again?” Nozomi replied, helping to keep Eli as steady as she could, reading the dizziness in her face.

Eli just nodded her head before clutching her stomach in pain, “I have to go to the bathroom. I will meet you at practice.”

Nozomi nodded and sighed, figuring out what was going on as Eli rushed her way to the nearest bathroom. Opening up the closest available stall, she knelt down, letting the feeling of her nausea overtake her. After three minutes, the waves of nausea finally passed enough for Eli to stand properly and she sighed. _Nozomi has to know… She’s the only one that knows about the habit. God I hope she doesn’t tell the others._ She flushed the toilet, leaving the stall and cleaning herself off as best she could in the bathroom mirror. _It’s gonna be a long day…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to send me comments, I can be reached @transmaxirl on Twitter or in the comment box below! My twitter will be the place to go for updates on my in progress stories before I publish the updates as well (among other things)!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Ta-ta for now!


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